I recently received this email from a reader of my article "Are you sexually frustrated?":
 
"I am 23, and I've been in a relationship with a girl for almost 4 years now, we're both virgins. I love her and I intend to marry her. I feel the need to be physically intimate with her (which, but of course, is very natural), whereas she is not interested, even for a make out. (It's been almost 8 months when we last made out.) I feel really very frustrated. We talked it out, yes, and found out that we just have very different physical needs. She does not feel the need to have sex right now, however, she understands that I might have urges, and encourages me to do it with a prostitute. She tells me that she's cool about it. However, I hate the idea of paying for sex. As evil as I may sound, I have thought about doing it with a friend of mine, who has the hots for me (I am an attractive guy, and I know it.) We even made a date of it at her place last week, but I ended up cancelling because of all the guilt involved. I really love my girl, but I am tired of being sexually inactive. Please advise."
 
When sexual needs don’t match
 
Dear friend:

Thanks so much for reading my article and for writing. I can see why you are in such distress. Touching, kissing, hugging and physical demonstrations of love are not only necessary, especially between two people in love; it is something very natural for humans. Your sexual cravings are perfectly natural as well (the unhealthy thing would be not to have them). 
 
Regarding your girlfriend: Her attitude towards sex and intimacy now is reflective of what your relationship will be after you get married, unless she starts doing something now to change her attitudes and behavior towards intimacy and sex. In other words, expect a sexless marriage and a relationship without physical demonstrations of love once you get married if that is what you are experiencing now. It would be interesting to know if your girlfriend was she always like that, even at the beginning of the relationship. I can understand that, maybe for cultural and religious reasons, she would not want to have sex "right now". Does she envision that her sexual appetite will change once you get married? These are topics you need to thoroughly discuss before jumping into a long term commitment such as marriage. 
  
You, in the other hand, have a decision to make and basically have three options: 1) either you wait to have sex when you marry your girlfriend (you say you are "intend to", whatever that means) and pleasure yourself with masturbation while you wait; 2) wait to have sex with your girlfriend after you marry her but have sexual experiences outside your relationship while you wait (which I gather the mere thought makes you feel too guilty to act upon this option); 3) try to get your girlfriend to open up to the idea of having sex in the near future or at the very least, be intimate, which may or may not include sex but definitely includes touching, hugging, kissing, cuddling, caressing, holding hands, looking into each other's eyes, massaging, being romantic, etc. Regardless of your decision and the outcome, you need to have a more in depth conversation about this topic with her and keep that communication open and ongoing until you both meet your needs. Otherwise, the relationship is doomed and you will lead a life of continuous sexual dissatisfaction within the context of your relationship with her, which will not hold in the long term. 
  
I am concerned because your girlfriend is not even interested in basic intimacy, like kissing, which is a fundamental part of any sentimental relationship. She may be emotionally shut down to the idea of sex and intimacy due to past emotional or sexual trauma or the pressures of religion and culture. It is worth finding out what the causes of her aversion to sex and intimacy are so you are better equipped to deal with them and make decisions based on facts, not conjectures. 
  
Good luck!

If you are sexually frustrated, read: http://www.mamiverse.com/are-you-sexually-frustrated-10820/

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Recently, I received a question from a reader: she can only reach an orgasm using a shower wand. Many women complain of having trouble reaching an orgasm. The vast majority of these women can reach an orgasm but not with a partner. The problem (as perceived by these women) is not that they cannot reach an orgasm through regular intercourse, which is true for the vast majority of women; the problem is that these women can only reach an orgasm in one way. Usually, the orgasm involves objects, such as toys, or a certain position. For these women, the inability to reach an orgasm in any other way and especially during intercourse or sexual play with a partner causes them frustration. Often times I am asked “how can I orgasm?” 
 
Many women become "efficient" in reaching an orgasm in a certain way, thus making it hard to reach it otherwise. The issue, believe it or not, is mostly mental. When the brain gets used to the response, it gets "set" on it. Therefore, next time you have sex, you "block" any other way of reaching orgasm. 
  

You can learn to reach orgasm in other ways but it will require that you de-program yourself from how you orgasm already to learn new ways of climaxing. 
 
Some advice:


1.   Relax: Stop concentrating on coming and enjoy the experience during sex. 
  
2.   Self-pleasure: Masturbateto explore and learn more about your body and pleasure zones. Instead of rushing through masturbation to reach orgasm, focus on finding out what else pleasures you. This will take time. Be patient.
 
 3.   Clear up your mind: Do not make sex about “coming… coming…coming… can't come… will not come… OMG-won't ever come!” Stay positive and say to yourself that you will be open to new things and the pleasure of sex.
 
4.   Be open-minded: Try many approaches, for instance, watching some porn or reading erotica before the act. Use your imagination and let your partner use his or hers. There are many toys and clitoral stimulators in the market to help you.
 
5.  Discover all the different types of orgasms: Different orgasms feel differently and many women  fail to recognize them because they only credit the clitoral orgasm as such. Women have the capability of coming in many ways. Try to ejaculate, for instance. 
  
6.   Warm up: Make sure you are very aroused during the act. If you have "orgasm anxiety", you are not going to be fully aroused during the act. So, again, relax and let your whole body be aroused, not just your clitoris.
 
7.   It’s not over until it’s over: Sex does not have to end when your partner comes. In fact, sex can be foreplay for orgasm. So if you want to reach one (or many) orgasms, continue to play – with yourself and/or assisted - until you are done. Don’t think you have to come before or at the same time your partner comes. And your partner should be able to be a willing and active participant in your orgasm even after he or she has climaxed.  
 
 
Remember that the most important sex organ is the brain. Do not get on its way! Of course, if orgasm continues to be a difficulty, you should get professional assistance from a sexologist so you can be coached into reaching orgasms in many ways.

Photo: http://homeguides.sfgate.com/DM-Resize/photos.demandstudios.com/getty/article/189/230/57443043.jpg?w=600&h=600&keep_ratio=1

Many times, men use porn as their “sex university” and then go on in life trying to emulate what they see in porn movies. Women also believe what they see in porn and often times end up dissatisfied when the experience of sex is not as the ones portrayed in porn movies. Do not believe everything you see in porn!

Porn can be a good outlet for arousal and to certainly learn new tricks to apply in the bedroom. However, it is important that all who watch porn realize that most porn is geared towards men and that many of the characters in porn are actors, actresses and athletes performing their part. For instance, 75% of women do not reach orgasm through intercourse. Furthermore, constant thrusting can hurt, irritate and dry the most moist vagina. I would dare to assert that the vast majority of women cannot perform oral sex on a penis for more than 5 consecutive minutes without hurting their jaw. Besides, many women may not enjoy their boobs squeezed to the point of turning them blue during intercourse or to be savagely pounded (and only pounded) for hours on end during lovemaking. 

Usually, porn depicts only some oral sex, in the case of heterosexual porn, usually women performing oral sex on a penis forever! And then the “pounding” begins until the guy ejaculates, usually on the woman’s
face.  Although there is nothing wrong with oral sex and coming on someone’s face (only if they allow it, of
course), that is not all that sex is! Sex should be about intimacy and using your creativity and imagination to reach new levels of pleasure with whom you choose to have that sexual experience. 
 
Therefore, do not use porn as your standard for sex. Rather, use it to complement your sexual activity and to get some ideas to apply in the real world. Remember, what you and your partner want in bed is more important than reenacting porn sexual acts.

Photo: Grasp by Stephen Perry www.obsessionart.com

Since we are little, girls are told and taught that there is something wrong with our genitalia. To begin, there is no mention about it. Our vulvas are a secret and unspoken “place” that is referred to as “down there”. Well, you know what else is “down there”, according to many? Hell! Yes, for many religions and religious people, hell is also down and under, just like our vulvas and vaginas. So no wonder our vulvas are demonized! 
 
Besides being depicted as to belonging in the same place as hell, our vulvas also need to be exorcised. How? By washing them, bleaching them, deodorizing them, covering them up with pads that trap any odor or fluid and confining them to eternal purgatory. It is time to change that!

 Our vulvas have a distinct smell that is part of what makes this body part unique. Our vulvas do not smell in any particular way. We LEARN how our vulvas smell. We are instructed that our vulvas have a foul or bad odor and we believe this throughout our lives. Therefore, we spend our lives ashamed of our vulvas and particularly the way our vulvas smell, which we try to get rid of at all times. Many women feel proud of the fact that they deodorize and “clean”their vulvas constantly throughout the day. Not only this behavior is  psychologically insane, it is not healthy for our sex organs. 
 
How to take care of your vulva

 1.  Do not use soap: Do not wash your inner vulva with soap or anything that you would not put in
your eyes. Wash the inside of your vulva with just water. That will keep it healthy.

 2. Wear cotton: Wear cotton underwear to allow it to “breathe”. 
 
3. Ditch the pantiliners: Do not wear pantiliners everyday. Reserve the sanitary pads for when you have
your period and for days of spotting. Otherwise, your fluids are not going to hurt your panties!

 4.  Sleep commando: At night, sleep without undies so your vulva can breathe freely. 
 
5.   Avoid tight clothes: Tight jeans and pants can irritate the delicate tissue of your vulva 
and also prevent it from “breathing”. Give it some room to wiggle!

 6.  No deodorizing: Please! Do not use any talc, powders, sprays, lotions, wipes or anything that
claims to “deodorize” your vulva. These products can damage your vulva and vagina, cause infections, irritation and long-term problems. Your vulva does not stink. Leave it alone!

7. She does not need a shower! Do not douche your vagina. The vagina is a self-cleaning organ and does not need your help. Douches can irritate and create infections as they change the pH and healthy bacterial flora necessary for a healthy vagina.

Take care of your vulva by being gentle with it, in thought and action. Ditch the myth that your vulva and vagina are dirty; a healthy vulva and vagina are all you need. Now, sit back and smell your vulva. Enjoy! 


Photo: www.freedigitalphotos.net