Many people make bucket lists of the things they want to have accomplished in their lifetime and before they hit the bucket. Recently, I have been thinking about how people make bucket lists of different kinds: the places they want to travel to, the material possessions they want to acquire, the adventures they want to embark on and the experiences they want to have before they die. All this has gotten me thinking: what about a sexual bucket list? A list of all things sexual that they want to see, do, experience and accomplish in the sexual arena before time runs out? So if you are thinking about a bucket list, I encourage you to work on your sexual bucket list. Need some ideas? Here are some!

For women:

1. Learn a sensual form of dance: There are many forms of dance that will put you in touch with your sensual self. Whether it is bellydancing, pole dancing, erotic dancing, strip tease, tango, or any other dance, you can sexify your life, feel better about yourself and have a fun workout to improve your health.
2. Get in touch with your inner sexy: Buy a new sex toy, try a new masturbation technique, read erotica. Do things that make you feel sexy and beautiful.
3. Take a sex and intimacy class: There is much to learn about sex and many ways to acquire that knowledge. Take a tantra class, go to a cuddle party, learn orgasmic meditation or vaginal yoga.
   
   
   

For men:

1. Increase your sexual IQ: Learn to be the best lover and partner by opening up to new knowledge about sex and how to please yourself and others. Do you need manly sources? There are seminars, magazines, books and sexuality professionals that cater specifically to men.
2. Untap your erotic potential: Work on your techniques for self pleasuring, learn to assertively communicate during lovemaking so that you can get your message across and all can get what they want.
3. Learn a sexy new skill: Learn to dance, cook, learn about wine, to play an instrument, work on wood, paint. These handy skills can always be put to good use and make men very sexy and attractive.

For couples:

1. Intimate portraits: There are professional photographers that will come to your house or use another location to take beautiful pictures that capture your love and lust for one another. You can choose to be as abstract or kinky as you’d like.
2. Take a romantic trip, sàns kids, to a destination of your dreams: It is never too late to plan and make your romantic dream trip a reality. The trip can be for near or far. Just make sure that you make yourselves a priority and, if you have kids, leave them behind. If you are empty nesters, a romantic trip may be even easier to achieve. Dream and plan the details of your getaway together and savor every moment of it.
3. Go to a couple’s retreat, seminar or workshop: Get back in touch with each other and your sexuality. Open your mind to new experiences and make way for a life full of fun and better intimacy.

Make your sexual enjoyment a priority. Sex is an important part of life and we should all be striving to have a fulfilled sex life. Know that it is never too late to learn about sex and enjoy its bounties.

Love has the reputation of being the cure for everything. Have haters? Kill them with love. Have relationship issues? Love is the way. Been hurt? Love heals. Love seems like the antidote for all ills and the solution for all problems. When it comes to relationships especially, people expect that love is the magic potion that sets the happy ending in motion. But, is it true that love can conquer it all? When it comes to relationships, is love really all we need?

Being in love
Many people go into relationships for feelings of fondness with one another and really expect those feelings to carry them through the day to day as a couple. Nonetheless, being in love may not mean staying in love. As anyone who has ever been in a relationship knows, staying in love is the most difficult part of sharing space with a partner.

Staying in love
In relationships, staying in love through it all is quite a venture. Deciding to work on the issues that arise (and actually doing ALL the work), instead of giving up, is one of the most tenacious tasks of being in a relationship. Putting in the energy and time that are needed to overcome the roadblocks and challenges on the path of the couple, which could award the relationship longer and better time ahead, is a decision to be made on a regular basis, not something that comes naturally as a result of being in love.

Love beyond
What really keeps a relationship going is not love; it’s commitment. When the partners are committed to one another and to the relationship, they will be committed to finding the solutions to their problems and giving these the time they need to work in favor of themselves and the relationship. When the commitment has stopped, it must be reinstated; otherwise, the relationship is done.
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Love is love and it can mutate or cease. Love can be a great motivator of commitment to see things through among lovers. But love without commitment--to work on bettering each individual within the relationship and strengthening the union-- is bound to drift, even if love is still felt.

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Sex may one of the most feared words there are. When people talk about it, they either whisper, spell it out, replace it with other words or avoid using the word altogether. So much is society’s fear of sex that the list of words that people use to refer to it may be endless. But how did we become so averse towards the word "sex"? When did this phobia to sex start? And how can we cure it?
Why sex has a bad reputation
Throughout history, sex has been equated with pleasure and excess. Pleasure and excess have been deemed negative and the opposite to modesty and restraint, virtues more accepted in many religions and cultures. As sex progressed to be more associated with sin, deviance and lack of self control, the word has become almost unspeakable. In stark contrast, sex is the most transcendental aspect of the human experience.
Sex is not the enemy
Sex can be one of the healthiest and most enjoyable aspects of being human. But sex also comes with risks so its mastery should come with information and the empowerment to make healthy choices that will lead to living one’s sexuality ethically and responsibly. How do we accomplish that? By putting sex at the forefront of health conversations, paying it the respect it warrants and giving it the prominence it deserves. Elevating the word and the meaning of sex to give it a more positive light is in the best interest of all. The opposite has always proven to lead to negative outcomes.
Sex myths that people don’t question
Every family, society and culture has a vast array of myths around sex that are not only false, but also detrimental. Some myths we have to debunk are:

• Only certain individuals have the right to sex: False. Enjoying a healthy sex life is a universal human right.
• The less we know about sex, the better off we are (especially children): False. Having the right information about sex equips individuals to make informed and empowered decisions regarding their bodies, their health, their pleasure and their sexuality in general.
• There are only few right ways of having sex or being sexual: False. Sexuality is as individual as every human being in existence. Therefore, sexuality can take many forms and configurations and the individual differences do not invalidate one’s sexuality over another’s.

Some strategies to change our view of sex
Awareness is very powerful when it comes to change. Therefore, it is important to be objective and see the topic of sex with an open mind. Here are some strategies to have a better relationship with sex:

• Reexamining our attitudes about sex: We all have ideas that were seeded in us from the outside. But do they make us grow or keep us in a tiny bubble? The ability to challenge our belief system and acquire new paradigms allow us to be understanding, compassionate and open to differences. Being open does not mean adopting what we don’t want; it means not imposing our values under the false belief that these are the absolute truth.
• Comprehensive sex education for all: Everyone deserves to know as much about human sexuality as they possibly can. Sex education is something ongoing, not a conversation that happens once in a lifetime, and something that children and adults alike can benefit from at all times.
• Sex throughout the life span: Understanding human sexual development and accepting that we are sexual beings from the time we are born until our last breath help us embrace our right to sex. As our bodies mature and change, understanding and rearranging the role of sex throughout all cycles of life ensures a healthy life.

The next time you hear the word sex, don’t frown. Moreover, if you are talking about sex, say the word out loud. I assure you the world won’t stop turning, no calamities will unleash and you would have taken a small step into being more sexually empowered and empowering others.

Women’s low sexual desire may be frustrating for their partners. Unfortunately, low libido afflicts many women and create distress in their intimate relationships and frustration on the partner that wants more sex. But why would women not want sex? Here are some reasons:

1. Too tired: Undeniably, the physical and emotional demands on women can leave them too exhausted to want to have sex. Solution: Share the load. If the partner wants more sex, negotiate more help.
   
2. Too busy: Work, children, family, friends, house work, etc. are all time consuming and sometimes they take up all the viable time and energy for sex. Solution: Learn to say no and prioritize you!
   
3. Boredom: Many women won’t admit that they are bored with their sex life. Some dream of the passion they see in movies or read in romance novels. Solution: Both partners should have openness regarding fantasies and take turns to create spicy sexual encounters.
   
4. Hormonal: Women’s hormones change daily, weekly, monthly, yearly. In fact, hormones may change in a day! Hormonal changes and imbalances can lead to low libido and fatigue. Moreover, hormones may be responsible for vaginal dryness, which makes sex uncomfortable and painful. Solution: Maintain open communication and a healthy lifestyle. If hormones are a problem, seek medical attention.
   
5. Physiological: Illness, fatigue, and disability can contribute to low sexual desire. Solution: Make your health a priority.
   
6. Psychological: Stress, anxiety, sadness, and depression can bring down sexual desire. Solution: Learn coping skills and seek help if these issues become too much of a burden.
   
7. Not attracted to partner: This is a tough one but I have actually heard women confess (privately) that they love their partners but they are not physically attracted to them anymore. Solution: As hard as it may be to say this or hear about a partner’s lack of sexual attraction towards the other, communicating (with tact and compassion) may lead to positive changes.
   
8. Negative attitudes about sex: Women are taught that if they want sex, they are not worthy. Especially after motherhood, many women don’t feel like they can be sexual anymore. The notion that sex is dirty and not lady-like may prevent women from enjoying it. Solution: Examine your attitudes about sex and challenge yourself to new beliefs.
   
9. Lack of intimate connection: When women feel emotionally disconnected from their partners, they usually don’t want sex. Moreover, if women think that their partners only want sex from them for their own enjoyment, sex becomes less appealing. Solution: Communication! Both partners should work actively to rekindle the romance. If you have persistent relationship troubles, seek help.
   
10. Relationship woes: Conflict, tension and dysfunction in a relationship are not fuel for sexual desire. Solution: Talk to a professional. Counseling by an objective party can steer things in the right direction.
    
11. Lack of love: We all want to think that love is forever but that is not the case for all. When love dies, many times the sexual desire dies with it. Solution: Professional counseling may help bring back the relationship or work towards a healthy resolution.
    
12. A third party involved: Infidelity can kill sexual desire toward the partner. Solution: Seeking and following advice from a professional is a worthy investment.
    
13. Resentment: Resentment is like a bank account that accrues interest even when we are not aware. Resentment leads to anger and anger is a passion killer. Solution: Work on solving the underlying issues that fuel that resentment.
    
14. Body image issues: Aging, weight changes, surgeries, and low self esteem can make women insecure about their looks and therefore reluctant to engage in sex. Solution: Work on self image and self love.
    
15. Pain: Painful sex and penetration disorders, body aches, headaches and chronic pain are not motivators for sexual activity. Solution: If you are suffering from pain, seek professional attention to learn how to get rid of it or manage it.
    

Women should make themselves and their sexuality a priority. Our sexual enjoyment is a right and sex is a healthy expectation of a healthy relationship. Refraining from living a pleasureable sex life and the prospect of losing a relationship because of it should not be an option.

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Squirting. Shejaculation. Female ejaculation. There are various names to refer to the glorious outcome of sexual stimulation that culminates with gushes of fluid being expelled from a woman’s vulva. Usually, the squirting comes as a result of a very powerful orgasm induced by inside stimulation (penis, toy or fingers in vagina) or outside stimulation (masturbation with toy or fingers, grinding, oral sex or petting). Squirting is a lot of fun and makes for a messy, intense, and deeply pleasurable orgasm.

Many women would like to experience squirting and many men would like to facilitate it. However, there are also many myths about female ejaculation that make some weary of this magnificent type of orgasm. Here are some myths about female ejaculation:

1.       It is urine: False. Although the debate in the scientific community is still not resolved, women who squirt know the difference between urination and ejaculation.

2.       It comes out of the urethra: False. It comes out of the Skene’s glands, which are located on either side of the vagina.

3.       It comes out of the vagina: False. Refer to point 2.

4.       Only a few women can do it: False. All women are capable of ejaculating.

5.       It could be incontinence: False. Refer to point 1.

Now that the myths have been debunked, here are some things you will need in order to squirt:

1.       RELAX! Relaxation is key. Many women, during vaginal penetration, feel an urge to urinate and/or a pressure in their lower abdomen. In fear of leaking some urine, they withhold and tense their pelvic floor muscles. Not only they stop themselves from ejaculating when they do this, they also lose their concentration and mood because they are focused on tensing rather than enjoying the sensation. Moreover, many women, when they feel as if though they are going to urinate during sex, carry a lot of shame if they know that they have produced some liquid.

2.       HYDRATE! If you are dehydrated, your body will not be able to produce ejaculate. This does not mean you will not be able to have an orgasm. However, your body will respond so much better to sex in general and ejaculate if you are hydrating before, during and after sex.

3.       PRACTICE! Practice makes perfect. Get a G-spot stimulator. Engage your partner. Experiment together. Find your G-spot (2-3 inches inside the front of your vaginal wall) and stimulate it. Repeat.

Be prepared to deal with the aftermath of squirting so have an extra bedding set, protect your mattress with a water proof pad or cover and keep extra towels handy. Your bed could be turned into a lake by the time you are done. However, if the sex is great and the orgasms are delicious, don’t mind the clean up afterwards. Enjoy every gush with reckless abandon, imbibe in the nectar of the gods and cheer to the big and sloppy  “O!”


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Don’t get me wrong: orgasms are fantastic. They are fabulous. They are delicious. They are pleasurable. They are savory. They are so freaking good!!! However, we have been learning this sex thing all wrong.

When I started having sex, I remember my lovers asking me if I had “cum”. After the first few tries and experiences, sex did feel good. Sex actually felt amazing. However, I did not know what an orgasm was, really, or if I was experiencing them. All I knew was that sex felt really good and that I enjoyed it tremendously. Nonetheless, I knew that orgasm was the prize, the goal and the reward, or so I learned from all the times I was asked if I’d had one.

Eventually, after a lot of practice, I learned if I was having an orgasm and when I did not. I still enjoyed sex and, when my partner seemed disappointed on the fact that I had not had an orgasm, I assured him that I enjoyed the sex immensely, regardless. It was not until I learned my body that I was able to decipher my orgasmic response and be in tune with it, and obviously that took a lot of practice. But once I learned what my orgasm was all about and how to reach it, I was able to guide every sexual encounter to the finish line, to the satisfaction of both me and my partner.

And then I became multiorgasmic…

What is better than being orgasmic? Being multiorgasmic. Or so I thought…

I created a sexual map that led me to have orgasms left and right, assisted by my partner. I was able to enjoy wave after wave of orgasm and it felt divine, celestial, heavenly!  During the heat of passion, my body responded to the rhythm of sex as if though it had learned a song that I could sing over and over again. My G-spot was active and eager, squirting was a decadent part of the menu and I was enjoying spasm after spasm of pure bliss during my sexual encounters. I thought I had it all figured out. But then I was surprised to learn that orgasm is not the last frontier.

Sex is more than a penis and a vagina

As a sexologist, I understand sex. I study sex. I treat sexual concerns. I educate people about sex. I know how sex works. I also know that our sexual experiences can change over time, hopefully for the better. As my orgasms have “matured”, so has my outlook on them. I have learned that orgasm is not the last frontier; our minds are. When the mind is unleashed without limits, the body follows without resistance. When we are not restrained by the chains of shame and guilt, we are free to express ourselves in a way in which we did not dare to before. When our brains are free to be completely sexual, there’s nothing the body won’t accomplish. Pleasure has no limit or end. Orgasms are everywhere. The joy of sex lies on the connectivity of mind, body and soul that defies the physical world. Freedom is the last frontier.

When we are free sexually, orgasms are not a goal or a prize to be had after labor. Rather, orgasms are in abundance and readily available, without definitions or reasons. Therefore, orgasms are the means to experience freedom; the freedom we are all called and entitled to have.


Photo: Intellectual Property of the Author

Sex is a prize only to be had by the select: pretty people, young people, and either married people or bad people have sex. Apparently we all have a sexual expiration date that, although we don’t know what that is, others seem to know very well. Thus, the attitudes prevalent in our society regarding elder sex are quite negative.

Though most people share the belief that the elderly should not or do not have sex, Dr. Tamara McClintock Greenberg, associate clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of California in San Francisco differs. According to Greenberg, many elders find a new wave in their sexuality after retirement. Moreover, elders who live in retirement and long-term care homes experience a new-found freedom to engage in sexual acts. Statistics show that 87% of married men and 89% of married women between the ages of 60-64 remain sexually active (Bloom, 2000). Furthermore, Bloom (2000) also purported that 29% of men and 25% of women still engage in sexual activity well into their 80s.

The notion that elderly sex is repulsive may stem from three factors. First, just like our parents deny our sexuality as children, we tend to do the same with them as adults. Sexuality is taboo for most families and the sexual lives of parents are kept hidden and secret from children to “save them from harm”. Therefore, children grow up with the same negation of their parents’ sexuality they experienced. Second, women have been historically sexually repressed. Therefore, many women live sexual lives that end with menopause and for some, soon after all children are born. Third, the obsession with a youth-oriented society places all value in fun, sex, health and happiness only reserved for the young. The media perpetuates this myth throughout by perpetuating the stereotype that young is sexy, sexual and desirable but old is not. Most people frown upon images of older women or older men having sex in the media, especially sex between young and old.

In summary, the attitudes about sex within the elder population are not positive. Just like milk, elders are believed to become bad and stinky the more time they have been on the shelf. However, elders have the right to have a fulfilling and abundant sex life if they choose to have it, just like everybody else. 

Photo: www.freedigitalphotos.net

References:

Bloom. P. (2000). Sex in the elder. Retrieved from   http://www.globalaging.org/health/us/sexelderly.ht
Greenberg, T. M. (2009). The secret lives of sex in the elderly. Psychology Today. Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/21st-century-aging/200912/the-secret-lives-sex-in-the-elderly

Many people masturbate. Statistics from studies that have attempted to find out the masturbatory frequency of people show that many men and some women masturbate. However, I dare to assert that the numbers of men and women who masturbate are higher than reported. For those who oppose masturbation or that have never tried it, there are many reasons to self-love. Contrary to old tales about masturbation, in which it was promoted as an activity for the perverse and the cause of many illnesses and even death, masturbation has a lot of health benefits. Here are some:

·         Natural Infection Fighter: Masturbation helps prevent cervical infections and relieves urinary tract infections. During masturbation, the cervix opens and acidity increases and also new fluid goes up, sending good bacteria to the cervix as old fluid comes out, flushing bad organisms out. During a urinary tract infection, masturbation relieves pain while the extra lubrication brings in good bacteria which helps mitigate the infection.

§  Good for Our Heart: Masturbation improves cardiovascular health and lowers the risk of Type-2 diabetes.

§  Sleep Aid: Masturbation helps with insomnia by releasing dopamine (the “feel good hormone”), followed by the release of oxytocin and endorphins, which have a calming effect.

§  Good Pelvic Exercise: Masturbation strengthens the pelvic floor. The spasms produced during an orgasm lift the pelvic floor. As the pelvic muscles get tighter, orgasms become stronger and more enjoyable for both men and women.

§  Improves Our Mood: Dopamine and epinephrine, which rush through our bodies during sexual arousal, boost our moods.

§  Stress Reliever: Masturbation is pleasurable and relieves emotional stress.

§  More Love for Ourselves: Masturbation nurtures our emotional and physical needs and increases our self-awareness.

§  Stronger Relationships: Masturbation can also help us to strengthen our relationship with our partners. Sharing masturbation, teaching our partners how to satisfy us, or asking them to assist us to reach an orgasm through masturbation after coitus can help keep the communication lines open and maintain arousal.

§  For prostate health: Frequent masturbation among men decrease the risk of prostate cancer in men over 50.

Like sex in general, masturbation has gotten an ill reputation which leads to secrecy, shame and guilt around something so perfectly healthy and fun. But with education, people will feel empowered to come out of the masturbation closet and enjoy more self-love. Be healthier, live happier, touch yourself more!

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Photo: Copyright of Dr. Tanginika Cuascud