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SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS

Because sex is the backbone of a healthy relationship.

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15 Reasons Why Women Don’t Want Sex

4/25/2018

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Women’s low sexual desire may be frustrating for their partners. Unfortunately, low libido afflicts many women and create distress in their intimate relationships and frustration on the partner that wants more sex. But why would women not want sex? Here are some reasons:
  1. Too tired: Undeniably, the physical and emotional demands on women can leave them too exhausted to want to have sex. Solution: Share the load. If the partner wants more sex, negotiate more help.
  2. Too busy: Work, children, family, friends, house work, etc. are all time consuming and sometimes they take up all the viable time and energy for sex. Solution: Learn to say no and prioritize you!
  3. Boredom: Many women won’t admit that they are bored with their sex life. Some dream of the passion they see in movies or read in romance novels. Solution: Both partners should have openness regarding fantasies and take turns to create spicy sexual encounters.
  4. Hormonal: Women’s hormones change daily, weekly, monthly, yearly. In fact, hormones may change in a day! Hormonal changes and imbalances can lead to low libido and fatigue. Moreover, hormones may be responsible for vaginal dryness, which makes sex uncomfortable and painful. Solution: Maintain open communication and a healthy lifestyle. If hormones are a problem, seek medical attention.
  5. Physiological: Illness, fatigue, and disability can contribute to low sexual desire. Solution: Make your health a priority.
  6. Psychological: Stress, anxiety, sadness, and depression can bring down sexual desire. Solution: Learn coping skills and seek help if these issues become too much of a burden.
  7. Not attracted to partner: This is a tough one but I have actually heard women confess (privately) that they love their partners but they are not physically attracted to them anymore. Solution: As hard as it may be to say this or hear about a partner’s lack of sexual attraction towards the other, communicating (with tact and compassion) may lead to positive changes.
  8. Negative attitudes about sex: Women are taught that if they want sex, they are not worthy. Especially after motherhood, many women don’t feel like they can be sexual anymore. The notion that sex is dirty and not lady-like may prevent women from enjoying it. Solution: Examine your attitudes about sex and challenge yourself to new beliefs.
  9. Lack of intimate connection: When women feel emotionally disconnected from their partners, they usually don’t want sex. Moreover, if women think that their partners only want sex from them for their own enjoyment, sex becomes less appealing. Solution: Communication! Both partners should work actively to rekindle the romance. If you have persistent relationship troubles, seek help.
  10. Relationship woes: Conflict, tension and dysfunction in a relationship are not fuel for sexual desire. Solution: Talk to a professional. Counseling by an objective party can steer things in the right direction.
  11. Lack of love: We all want to think that love is forever but that is not the case for all. When love dies, many times the sexual desire dies with it. Solution: Professional counseling may help bring back the relationship or work towards a healthy resolution.
  12. A third party involved: Infidelity can kill sexual desire toward the partner. Solution: Seeking and following advice from a professional is a worthy investment.
  13. Resentment: Resentment is like a bank account that accrues interest even when we are not aware. Resentment leads to anger and anger is a passion killer. Solution: Work on solving the underlying issues that fuel that resentment.
  14. Body image issues: Aging, weight changes, surgeries, and low self esteem can make women insecure about their looks and therefore reluctant to engage in sex. Solution: Work on self image and self love.
  15. Pain: Painful sex and penetration disorders, body aches, headaches and chronic pain are not motivators for sexual activity. Solution: If you are suffering from pain, seek professional attention to learn how to get rid of it or manage it.
Women should make themselves and their sexuality a priority. Our sexual enjoyment is a right and sex is a healthy expectation of a healthy relationship. Refraining from living a pleasureable sex life and the prospect of losing a relationship because of it should not be an option.

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Can We Learn to Have Healthy Breakups?

4/24/2018

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Recently, I was talking to a friend that is being under attack from an angry soon-to-be-ex-wife. My friend is currently in a relationship with the soon-to-be-ex-husband, and by association, she is at the receiving end of a vicious vendetta. This scenario is not unfamiliar to me; quite the opposite. Pondering on the conversation with my friend, I was wondering why people don’t learn to break up relationships with sanity, dignity and respect.
How we deal with breakups
I don’t mean to imply that there is such a thing as a happy breakup. Even when breakups are desired or anticipated, usually they come with a sense of failure, feelings of abandonment, anger, jealousy, resentment, fear and sadness. Even if the breakup brings about relief, usually there is a wave of sorrow that comes during and afterwards. It is rare that the end of a relationship will be accompanied by indifference or instant cheer.   
What we’ve learned
Everywhere we look, breakups look nasty, contentious, antagonistic, chaotic, and undignified. The media and people around us reinforce the notion that to love is to possess and retain at all costs. That negative attachment leads to the bitter battles that people get entrenched in when it comes to putting the relationship to rest. But who in the right mind would want to hold on to a dysfunctional relationship? Moreover, who would want to spew more dysfunction and hope that by throwing more toxicity in the mix the situation will have a positive outcome?
Unstable minds, unstable breakups
Yes, finishing a relationship is usually not a happy moment. Nonetheless, people with emotional and/or mental instability tend to make breakups worse by making the situation about vengeance and hatred. Even worse, these unhealthy minds usually become obsessed with making someone (anyone) pay for their suffering, thus sucking in innocent people in their vortex of venom.
“Love me or I’ll beat you with a stick”

Breakups can bring about the worst bullies. As the insecurities of the one who does not want to break up increases due to the loss of control, they tend to go in a guerrilla warfare, with dirty tactics such as ambush, sabotage and relentless attacks. The one deploying the guerrilla warfare does not discriminate; they can even get their loved ones involved (such as their children) in order to carry out their agenda.
Problems with attachment
I have seen that individuals who have had problems with attachment during their development tend to have the worst breakups. For instance, a person who had a negative relationship or was under the influence of a negative role model at home (parents or direct caregivers), developed unhealthy attachment during the relationship and takes breakups the hardest. These people may want to make their soon-to-be-ex-spouse pay for the wrong deeds of the parental figures they had while growing up. Therefore, the individual with attachment issues, especially if compounded with personality disorders or mental or emotional health problems, unleashes his or her savage and illogical wrath onto surrogates - the ones he or she projects as responsible for the problems that most likely were his or her own doing.
How to break up with dignity
Although painful, breakups can happen in a civilized manner. Here are some ideas on how to break up in a more positive light:
  1. Take responsibility: It took two to make and break the relationship. Blaming others may be easier but not having accountability does not lead to growth. Furthermore, realize that nobody “takes your partner away” and that belief only takes away the responsibility that should lie in the partners.
  2. Be realistic: Is the relationship worth saving? Have you both exhausted all options and worked hard at saving the relationship before its demise?  Is that really the quality of relationship you want to hold on to? And, do you really want to be with someone who is not into you?
  3. Spare the innocent: Children, new partners, friends, family members, et al. should all be left out of the fight. The relationship was between two and the course towards its dissolution should remain a matter of two.
  4. Your actions are a reflection of you: Blinded by rage, people go on a rampage that, at the end, only reveals who the unstable person is in the relationship.
  5. Accept and move on: There’s plenty of fish in the sea. Life does not end because of a breakup and you can decide to move on and allow yourself to be happy. The sadness is temporary but the learning can yield to a better self and better future relationships.
Hopefully, we all grow up and look at relationships from a place of abundance and not scarcity. A breakup can be a tremendous opportunity for growth and finding sustained happiness rooted in self cultivation and higher learning. Sadness during breakups may be inevitable, but remaining a decent human being while undergoing one should be as well.


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    Dr. Tanginika Cuascud

    I am a sexologist. I seek to sexually empower through education, information, and action. A better sex life equals a better life!

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