Listening to and reading people’s complaints about their partners regarding their sex skills, I have started to ask myself if there are people who are just not equipped with sex skills and if that is the case, can they get better at sex? Just like some people are sportsy, artsy, financially savvy, good at math, have great voices, can dance, etc., it seems like some people are naturally born with sexual pizzazz and je ne sais quoi and can effortlessly turn someone inside out with their sex skills. For others, sex is an awkward venture, a chore, something that they might enjoy but that for some reason they are not good at performing it or does not come natural to them.

In my practice I have heard women complain of their men’s lack of sexual charm: men who are terrible at giving oral sex or don’t like doing it (but love receiving it!), who don’t know how to touch a vulva and definitely not good at stimulating a clitoris, squeeze boobs as if though women all women liked that, are bad kissers, climax too quickly or take too long to ejaculate, are mechanical at the act of sex and have no sex appeal at all, among many other complaints. Men also have their list of disappointments with women: that they don’t like to “give head”, that they don’t swallow, that they don’t like sex or always find an excuse not to have it. In secret, women dread their husbands’ touch and rather pretend they are asleep or fake a headache (or worse, fake an orgasm!) in order to avoid or shorten sex with their partners. Many women complain that their partners are just not good at it and they would like something more. When asked why they don’t tell their male partners they all claim that men’s egos are too fragile, they don’t accept criticism well and they don’t want to hurt their feelings. For men, the dissatisfaction causes them to avoid sex also or do it as a form of quick release after begging for it endlessly before their wives give in. In both cases, recurrence to “extracurricular activities” may be used to offset the frustration.

If you are among the ones without sex skills, know:

1.       Sex skills can be learned. Educate yourself!

2.       Don’t be too sensitive and learn to accept to be guided by your partner.

3.       Communicate with honesty and sincerity.

4.       Practice makes perfect.

5.       If you want your partner to be a great lover, you must be one too.

Certainly, knowing one’s body and open and honest communication are key to solve some of these issues. However, in spite of the best intentions, it seems as if though some people are just not good at sex. Not to say they cannot get better, but sex is not their forté. But with persistence, patience, using your words, and lots of trial and error you can become the best lover you can be.

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Sex is really 99% imagination and creativity. The mere sexual act can be mechanical and get quite boring after a few times. Innovation is the key to a satisfying sex life that will last and keep lovers satisfied. Of course we all have things we like to have done onto us frequently or always during lovemaking and that all varies from person to person (like lots of kissing, nibbling of the ears and stimulation of erogenous zones) but even those things, when done over and over again, in the same order, in the same place, the same way can make lovemaking very predictable. And predictability kills “the mood”. In fact, predictability does not even allow for the mood to get started.

Many people find themselves in a sexual rut not realizing how they got there. Predictability and familiarity, routine, schedules, the demands of everyday life and always doing the same thing without variation are factors that got them in that rut. Therefore, to get out of the sexual rut imagination has to be allowed to flourish and roam free. However, we are humans and follow routines but expect different results-the results we envision and not the ones we get each time.

The problem is that many people have not developed the sexual imagination and creativity. When confronted with the idea of being creative they have no clue on how to turn the switch on to do different things, to create excitement, to view sex in a different way, to add spice to their love lives and to have sex be fresh and new each time. And many people live in fear that, if they display their imagination to their partner their partner will turn around and scold them and reprimand them for their audacity. That fear keeps the imagination locked in and sexual partners unhappy and unfulfilled.

How to turn this around?

1.       Change the sexual map: Do something unexpected, change the time to have sex at least every once in a while and change the setting in which sex is done. Add surprise to the occasion!

2.       Communicate: If you are afraid of telling your partner your sexual fantasies and desires, there is a compatibility issue that needs to be resolved. Seek help.

3.       Learn! Be willing to expand your sexual repertoire, improve your sex skills and become innovative by reading educational and erotic material, watching instructional videos and erotica, attending events such as sex lectures, orgasmic mediations, cuddle parties and tantra workshops, among many others; and visiting places that can provide you with learning opportunities such as couples retreats, dungeons, swingers clubs, fetish parties, etc. Even if you don’t go to participate you can observe and learn something new.

4.       Be open-minded: If you have limited notions of what is acceptable in sex, chances are your paradigm is going to cut your imagination and creativity short. Let go of the judgment and open up your mind to new horizons and experiences. Especially with your partner, have confidence and be free to explore, do and grow sexually.

5.       Rediscover yourself: Usually people masturbate the same way they have sex: doing it the same way every time. Instead, try new ways of touching yourself, new masturbation aids and touch yourself in places you usually don’t touch. You can be surprised by what you’ll discover.

The lack of imagination is one of the main problems that lead to sexual boredom, dissatisfaction and therefore having less sex than wanted. Turning the imagination and creativity switch on can lead to a more fulfilling sex life that all can enjoy. If you lack imagination, there are many sources of information for you to learn from. The only thing you need to be creative is to want to be.