Listening to and reading people’s complaints about their partners regarding their sex skills, I have started to ask myself if there are people who are just not equipped with sex skills and if that is the case, can they get better at sex? Just like some people are sportsy, artsy, financially savvy, good at math, have great voices, can dance, etc., it seems like some people are naturally born with sexual pizzazz and je ne sais quoi and can effortlessly turn someone inside out with their sex skills. For others, sex is an awkward venture, a chore, something that they might enjoy but that for some reason they are not good at performing it or does not come natural to them.

In my practice I have heard women complain of their men’s lack of sexual charm: men who are terrible at giving oral sex or don’t like doing it (but love receiving it!), who don’t know how to touch a vulva and definitely not good at stimulating a clitoris, squeeze boobs as if though women all women liked that, are bad kissers, climax too quickly or take too long to ejaculate, are mechanical at the act of sex and have no sex appeal at all, among many other complaints. Men also have their list of disappointments with women: that they don’t like to “give head”, that they don’t swallow, that they don’t like sex or always find an excuse not to have it. In secret, women dread their husbands’ touch and rather pretend they are asleep or fake a headache (or worse, fake an orgasm!) in order to avoid or shorten sex with their partners. Many women complain that their partners are just not good at it and they would like something more. When asked why they don’t tell their male partners they all claim that men’s egos are too fragile, they don’t accept criticism well and they don’t want to hurt their feelings. For men, the dissatisfaction causes them to avoid sex also or do it as a form of quick release after begging for it endlessly before their wives give in. In both cases, recurrence to “extracurricular activities” may be used to offset the frustration.

If you are among the ones without sex skills, know:

1.       Sex skills can be learned. Educate yourself!

2.       Don’t be too sensitive and learn to accept to be guided by your partner.

3.       Communicate with honesty and sincerity.

4.       Practice makes perfect.

5.       If you want your partner to be a great lover, you must be one too.

Certainly, knowing one’s body and open and honest communication are key to solve some of these issues. However, in spite of the best intentions, it seems as if though some people are just not good at sex. Not to say they cannot get better, but sex is not their forté. But with persistence, patience, using your words, and lots of trial and error you can become the best lover you can be.

Photo: www.freedigitalphotos.net

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Sex is really 99% imagination and creativity. The mere sexual act can be mechanical and get quite boring after a few times. Innovation is the key to a satisfying sex life that will last and keep lovers satisfied. Of course we all have things we like to have done onto us frequently or always during lovemaking and that all varies from person to person (like lots of kissing, nibbling of the ears and stimulation of erogenous zones) but even those things, when done over and over again, in the same order, in the same place, the same way can make lovemaking very predictable. And predictability kills “the mood”. In fact, predictability does not even allow for the mood to get started.

Many people find themselves in a sexual rut not realizing how they got there. Predictability and familiarity, routine, schedules, the demands of everyday life and always doing the same thing without variation are factors that got them in that rut. Therefore, to get out of the sexual rut imagination has to be allowed to flourish and roam free. However, we are humans and follow routines but expect different results-the results we envision and not the ones we get each time.

The problem is that many people have not developed the sexual imagination and creativity. When confronted with the idea of being creative they have no clue on how to turn the switch on to do different things, to create excitement, to view sex in a different way, to add spice to their love lives and to have sex be fresh and new each time. And many people live in fear that, if they display their imagination to their partner their partner will turn around and scold them and reprimand them for their audacity. That fear keeps the imagination locked in and sexual partners unhappy and unfulfilled.

How to turn this around?

1.       Change the sexual map: Do something unexpected, change the time to have sex at least every once in a while and change the setting in which sex is done. Add surprise to the occasion!

2.       Communicate: If you are afraid of telling your partner your sexual fantasies and desires, there is a compatibility issue that needs to be resolved. Seek help.

3.       Learn! Be willing to expand your sexual repertoire, improve your sex skills and become innovative by reading educational and erotic material, watching instructional videos and erotica, attending events such as sex lectures, orgasmic mediations, cuddle parties and tantra workshops, among many others; and visiting places that can provide you with learning opportunities such as couples retreats, dungeons, swingers clubs, fetish parties, etc. Even if you don’t go to participate you can observe and learn something new.

4.       Be open-minded: If you have limited notions of what is acceptable in sex, chances are your paradigm is going to cut your imagination and creativity short. Let go of the judgment and open up your mind to new horizons and experiences. Especially with your partner, have confidence and be free to explore, do and grow sexually.

5.       Rediscover yourself: Usually people masturbate the same way they have sex: doing it the same way every time. Instead, try new ways of touching yourself, new masturbation aids and touch yourself in places you usually don’t touch. You can be surprised by what you’ll discover.

The lack of imagination is one of the main problems that lead to sexual boredom, dissatisfaction and therefore having less sex than wanted. Turning the imagination and creativity switch on can lead to a more fulfilling sex life that all can enjoy. If you lack imagination, there are many sources of information for you to learn from. The only thing you need to be creative is to want to be. 

Recently, I received a question from a reader: she can only reach an orgasm using a shower wand. Many women complain of having trouble reaching an orgasm. The vast majority of these women can reach an orgasm but not with a partner. The problem (as perceived by these women) is not that they cannot reach an orgasm through regular intercourse, which is true for the vast majority of women; the problem is that these women can only reach an orgasm in one way. Usually, the orgasm involves objects, such as toys, or a certain position. For these women, the inability to reach an orgasm in any other way and especially during intercourse or sexual play with a partner causes them frustration. Often times I am asked “how can I orgasm?” 
 
Many women become "efficient" in reaching an orgasm in a certain way, thus making it hard to reach it otherwise. The issue, believe it or not, is mostly mental. When the brain gets used to the response, it gets "set" on it. Therefore, next time you have sex, you "block" any other way of reaching orgasm. 
  

You can learn to reach orgasm in other ways but it will require that you de-program yourself from how you orgasm already to learn new ways of climaxing. 
 
Some advice:


1.   Relax: Stop concentrating on coming and enjoy the experience during sex. 
  
2.   Self-pleasure: Masturbateto explore and learn more about your body and pleasure zones. Instead of rushing through masturbation to reach orgasm, focus on finding out what else pleasures you. This will take time. Be patient.
 
 3.   Clear up your mind: Do not make sex about “coming… coming…coming… can't come… will not come… OMG-won't ever come!” Stay positive and say to yourself that you will be open to new things and the pleasure of sex.
 
4.   Be open-minded: Try many approaches, for instance, watching some porn or reading erotica before the act. Use your imagination and let your partner use his or hers. There are many toys and clitoral stimulators in the market to help you.
 
5.  Discover all the different types of orgasms: Different orgasms feel differently and many women  fail to recognize them because they only credit the clitoral orgasm as such. Women have the capability of coming in many ways. Try to ejaculate, for instance. 
  
6.   Warm up: Make sure you are very aroused during the act. If you have "orgasm anxiety", you are not going to be fully aroused during the act. So, again, relax and let your whole body be aroused, not just your clitoris.
 
7.   It’s not over until it’s over: Sex does not have to end when your partner comes. In fact, sex can be foreplay for orgasm. So if you want to reach one (or many) orgasms, continue to play – with yourself and/or assisted - until you are done. Don’t think you have to come before or at the same time your partner comes. And your partner should be able to be a willing and active participant in your orgasm even after he or she has climaxed.  
 
 
Remember that the most important sex organ is the brain. Do not get on its way! Of course, if orgasm continues to be a difficulty, you should get professional assistance from a sexologist so you can be coached into reaching orgasms in many ways.

Photo: http://homeguides.sfgate.com/DM-Resize/photos.demandstudios.com/getty/article/189/230/57443043.jpg?w=600&h=600&keep_ratio=1

As funny as this question may sound, many women-most, I dare to assert-have never seen their genitalia. Of course, for men is easy. Their genitals came showing to the world! In our case, our genitals are concealed and stored in a dark place, far, far away... or so it seems. And because women do not have any encouragement from anybody to explore and get to know our bodies, we go on with our lives not knowing how our vulvas look like.

I encourage you to do this exercise today. What you will need:
1. A mirror- hand mirror or wall mirror are fine.
2. Your glasses- if you wear them.
3. A positive attitude.

Make sure you are in a safe and private place to do this. You are going to need to maneuver and stretch and bend to do this exercise so it is better to do it in a place in which you will feel comfortable. Now, look at your genitalia: it is composed of your mons pubis, labia majora, labia minora, clitoris, the opening of the urethra and the opening of the vagina (in a snapshot). Look at its color and texture. It is supposed to be moist. It has folds and soft skin. It is beautiful, luscious and holds the key to life. Touch it, caress it, smell it, learn it. Stare at it and really explore it. I encourage you to see how it changes when it is aroused and when it is relaxed (the labia swells during arousal and lubrication is more abundant). Tell it how much you value, love, and appreciate her. It is OK if you get aroused by this exercise. It is OK if you feel the urge to masturbate while you are doing it, but I encourage you to continue with your exploration.

What did you discover? Did you see something you had not seen before? Are you surprised by what you found? How did you feel doing this exercise?

Do this exercise on a regular basis. You can even recruit your partner to admire your glory with you. Your vulva is your center, your gate to ecstasy and pleasure. Make her an important part of your life!

Women have been blessed with many types of orgasms and the ability to orgasm multiple times (unlike most of our male counterparts). If you are able to recognize the differences between the types of orgasms you may experience or have experienced already, you will discover a whole new world of enjoyment and pleasure. Some women can orgasm by using their brain (some without even being touched!); others can orgasm by the stimulation of different spots inside the vagina during intercourse, while others can reach an orgasm by the stimulation of the clitoris, nipples, skin, lips, ears, neck, back, etc., etc., etc. Although many women, probably most, experience strong orgasms through the stimulation of the clitoris, many can orgasm when they perform anal sex, for instance. And, of course, there is also the sometimes elusive G-spot! Here is an article I wrote about some types of female orgasm. Experiment and pay attention to your body as you explore and play with yourself and/or with your partner to see how many types of orgasms you can experience. You may be surprised!

Pictures: www.freedigitalphotos.net

http://www.mamiverse.com/10-female-orgasm-types-15669/