Listening to and reading people’s complaints about their partners regarding their sex skills, I have started to ask myself if there are people who are just not equipped with sex skills and if that is the case, can they get better at sex? Just like some people are sportsy, artsy, financially savvy, good at math, have great voices, can dance, etc., it seems like some people are naturally born with sexual pizzazz and je ne sais quoi and can effortlessly turn someone inside out with their sex skills. For others, sex is an awkward venture, a chore, something that they might enjoy but that for some reason they are not good at performing it or does not come natural to them.

In my practice I have heard women complain of their men’s lack of sexual charm: men who are terrible at giving oral sex or don’t like doing it (but love receiving it!), who don’t know how to touch a vulva and definitely not good at stimulating a clitoris, squeeze boobs as if though women all women liked that, are bad kissers, climax too quickly or take too long to ejaculate, are mechanical at the act of sex and have no sex appeal at all, among many other complaints. Men also have their list of disappointments with women: that they don’t like to “give head”, that they don’t swallow, that they don’t like sex or always find an excuse not to have it. In secret, women dread their husbands’ touch and rather pretend they are asleep or fake a headache (or worse, fake an orgasm!) in order to avoid or shorten sex with their partners. Many women complain that their partners are just not good at it and they would like something more. When asked why they don’t tell their male partners they all claim that men’s egos are too fragile, they don’t accept criticism well and they don’t want to hurt their feelings. For men, the dissatisfaction causes them to avoid sex also or do it as a form of quick release after begging for it endlessly before their wives give in. In both cases, recurrence to “extracurricular activities” may be used to offset the frustration.

If you are among the ones without sex skills, know:

1.       Sex skills can be learned. Educate yourself!

2.       Don’t be too sensitive and learn to accept to be guided by your partner.

3.       Communicate with honesty and sincerity.

4.       Practice makes perfect.

5.       If you want your partner to be a great lover, you must be one too.

Certainly, knowing one’s body and open and honest communication are key to solve some of these issues. However, in spite of the best intentions, it seems as if though some people are just not good at sex. Not to say they cannot get better, but sex is not their forté. But with persistence, patience, using your words, and lots of trial and error you can become the best lover you can be.

Photo: www.freedigitalphotos.net

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Sex is really 99% imagination and creativity. The mere sexual act can be mechanical and get quite boring after a few times. Innovation is the key to a satisfying sex life that will last and keep lovers satisfied. Of course we all have things we like to have done onto us frequently or always during lovemaking and that all varies from person to person (like lots of kissing, nibbling of the ears and stimulation of erogenous zones) but even those things, when done over and over again, in the same order, in the same place, the same way can make lovemaking very predictable. And predictability kills “the mood”. In fact, predictability does not even allow for the mood to get started.

Many people find themselves in a sexual rut not realizing how they got there. Predictability and familiarity, routine, schedules, the demands of everyday life and always doing the same thing without variation are factors that got them in that rut. Therefore, to get out of the sexual rut imagination has to be allowed to flourish and roam free. However, we are humans and follow routines but expect different results-the results we envision and not the ones we get each time.

The problem is that many people have not developed the sexual imagination and creativity. When confronted with the idea of being creative they have no clue on how to turn the switch on to do different things, to create excitement, to view sex in a different way, to add spice to their love lives and to have sex be fresh and new each time. And many people live in fear that, if they display their imagination to their partner their partner will turn around and scold them and reprimand them for their audacity. That fear keeps the imagination locked in and sexual partners unhappy and unfulfilled.

How to turn this around?

1.       Change the sexual map: Do something unexpected, change the time to have sex at least every once in a while and change the setting in which sex is done. Add surprise to the occasion!

2.       Communicate: If you are afraid of telling your partner your sexual fantasies and desires, there is a compatibility issue that needs to be resolved. Seek help.

3.       Learn! Be willing to expand your sexual repertoire, improve your sex skills and become innovative by reading educational and erotic material, watching instructional videos and erotica, attending events such as sex lectures, orgasmic mediations, cuddle parties and tantra workshops, among many others; and visiting places that can provide you with learning opportunities such as couples retreats, dungeons, swingers clubs, fetish parties, etc. Even if you don’t go to participate you can observe and learn something new.

4.       Be open-minded: If you have limited notions of what is acceptable in sex, chances are your paradigm is going to cut your imagination and creativity short. Let go of the judgment and open up your mind to new horizons and experiences. Especially with your partner, have confidence and be free to explore, do and grow sexually.

5.       Rediscover yourself: Usually people masturbate the same way they have sex: doing it the same way every time. Instead, try new ways of touching yourself, new masturbation aids and touch yourself in places you usually don’t touch. You can be surprised by what you’ll discover.

The lack of imagination is one of the main problems that lead to sexual boredom, dissatisfaction and therefore having less sex than wanted. Turning the imagination and creativity switch on can lead to a more fulfilling sex life that all can enjoy. If you lack imagination, there are many sources of information for you to learn from. The only thing you need to be creative is to want to be. 

I recently received this email from a reader of my article "Are you sexually frustrated?":
 
"I am 23, and I've been in a relationship with a girl for almost 4 years now, we're both virgins. I love her and I intend to marry her. I feel the need to be physically intimate with her (which, but of course, is very natural), whereas she is not interested, even for a make out. (It's been almost 8 months when we last made out.) I feel really very frustrated. We talked it out, yes, and found out that we just have very different physical needs. She does not feel the need to have sex right now, however, she understands that I might have urges, and encourages me to do it with a prostitute. She tells me that she's cool about it. However, I hate the idea of paying for sex. As evil as I may sound, I have thought about doing it with a friend of mine, who has the hots for me (I am an attractive guy, and I know it.) We even made a date of it at her place last week, but I ended up cancelling because of all the guilt involved. I really love my girl, but I am tired of being sexually inactive. Please advise."
 
When sexual needs don’t match
 
Dear friend:

Thanks so much for reading my article and for writing. I can see why you are in such distress. Touching, kissing, hugging and physical demonstrations of love are not only necessary, especially between two people in love; it is something very natural for humans. Your sexual cravings are perfectly natural as well (the unhealthy thing would be not to have them). 
 
Regarding your girlfriend: Her attitude towards sex and intimacy now is reflective of what your relationship will be after you get married, unless she starts doing something now to change her attitudes and behavior towards intimacy and sex. In other words, expect a sexless marriage and a relationship without physical demonstrations of love once you get married if that is what you are experiencing now. It would be interesting to know if your girlfriend was she always like that, even at the beginning of the relationship. I can understand that, maybe for cultural and religious reasons, she would not want to have sex "right now". Does she envision that her sexual appetite will change once you get married? These are topics you need to thoroughly discuss before jumping into a long term commitment such as marriage. 
  
You, in the other hand, have a decision to make and basically have three options: 1) either you wait to have sex when you marry your girlfriend (you say you are "intend to", whatever that means) and pleasure yourself with masturbation while you wait; 2) wait to have sex with your girlfriend after you marry her but have sexual experiences outside your relationship while you wait (which I gather the mere thought makes you feel too guilty to act upon this option); 3) try to get your girlfriend to open up to the idea of having sex in the near future or at the very least, be intimate, which may or may not include sex but definitely includes touching, hugging, kissing, cuddling, caressing, holding hands, looking into each other's eyes, massaging, being romantic, etc. Regardless of your decision and the outcome, you need to have a more in depth conversation about this topic with her and keep that communication open and ongoing until you both meet your needs. Otherwise, the relationship is doomed and you will lead a life of continuous sexual dissatisfaction within the context of your relationship with her, which will not hold in the long term. 
  
I am concerned because your girlfriend is not even interested in basic intimacy, like kissing, which is a fundamental part of any sentimental relationship. She may be emotionally shut down to the idea of sex and intimacy due to past emotional or sexual trauma or the pressures of religion and culture. It is worth finding out what the causes of her aversion to sex and intimacy are so you are better equipped to deal with them and make decisions based on facts, not conjectures. 
  
Good luck!

If you are sexually frustrated, read: http://www.mamiverse.com/are-you-sexually-frustrated-10820/

Photo: www.photopin.com

Many times, men use porn as their “sex university” and then go on in life trying to emulate what they see in porn movies. Women also believe what they see in porn and often times end up dissatisfied when the experience of sex is not as the ones portrayed in porn movies. Do not believe everything you see in porn!

Porn can be a good outlet for arousal and to certainly learn new tricks to apply in the bedroom. However, it is important that all who watch porn realize that most porn is geared towards men and that many of the characters in porn are actors, actresses and athletes performing their part. For instance, 75% of women do not reach orgasm through intercourse. Furthermore, constant thrusting can hurt, irritate and dry the most moist vagina. I would dare to assert that the vast majority of women cannot perform oral sex on a penis for more than 5 consecutive minutes without hurting their jaw. Besides, many women may not enjoy their boobs squeezed to the point of turning them blue during intercourse or to be savagely pounded (and only pounded) for hours on end during lovemaking. 

Usually, porn depicts only some oral sex, in the case of heterosexual porn, usually women performing oral sex on a penis forever! And then the “pounding” begins until the guy ejaculates, usually on the woman’s
face.  Although there is nothing wrong with oral sex and coming on someone’s face (only if they allow it, of
course), that is not all that sex is! Sex should be about intimacy and using your creativity and imagination to reach new levels of pleasure with whom you choose to have that sexual experience. 
 
Therefore, do not use porn as your standard for sex. Rather, use it to complement your sexual activity and to get some ideas to apply in the real world. Remember, what you and your partner want in bed is more important than reenacting porn sexual acts.

Photo: Grasp by Stephen Perry www.obsessionart.com