Recently, I received a question from a reader: she can only reach an orgasm using a shower wand. Many women complain of having trouble reaching an orgasm. The vast majority of these women can reach an orgasm but not with a partner. The problem (as perceived by these women) is not that they cannot reach an orgasm through regular intercourse, which is true for the vast majority of women; the problem is that these women can only reach an orgasm in one way. Usually, the orgasm involves objects, such as toys, or a certain position. For these women, the inability to reach an orgasm in any other way and especially during intercourse or sexual play with a partner causes them frustration. Often times I am asked “how can I orgasm?” 
 
Many women become "efficient" in reaching an orgasm in a certain way, thus making it hard to reach it otherwise. The issue, believe it or not, is mostly mental. When the brain gets used to the response, it gets "set" on it. Therefore, next time you have sex, you "block" any other way of reaching orgasm. 
  

You can learn to reach orgasm in other ways but it will require that you de-program yourself from how you orgasm already to learn new ways of climaxing. 
 
Some advice:


1.   Relax: Stop concentrating on coming and enjoy the experience during sex. 
  
2.   Self-pleasure: Masturbateto explore and learn more about your body and pleasure zones. Instead of rushing through masturbation to reach orgasm, focus on finding out what else pleasures you. This will take time. Be patient.
 
 3.   Clear up your mind: Do not make sex about “coming… coming…coming… can't come… will not come… OMG-won't ever come!” Stay positive and say to yourself that you will be open to new things and the pleasure of sex.
 
4.   Be open-minded: Try many approaches, for instance, watching some porn or reading erotica before the act. Use your imagination and let your partner use his or hers. There are many toys and clitoral stimulators in the market to help you.
 
5.  Discover all the different types of orgasms: Different orgasms feel differently and many women  fail to recognize them because they only credit the clitoral orgasm as such. Women have the capability of coming in many ways. Try to ejaculate, for instance. 
  
6.   Warm up: Make sure you are very aroused during the act. If you have "orgasm anxiety", you are not going to be fully aroused during the act. So, again, relax and let your whole body be aroused, not just your clitoris.
 
7.   It’s not over until it’s over: Sex does not have to end when your partner comes. In fact, sex can be foreplay for orgasm. So if you want to reach one (or many) orgasms, continue to play – with yourself and/or assisted - until you are done. Don’t think you have to come before or at the same time your partner comes. And your partner should be able to be a willing and active participant in your orgasm even after he or she has climaxed.  
 
 
Remember that the most important sex organ is the brain. Do not get on its way! Of course, if orgasm continues to be a difficulty, you should get professional assistance from a sexologist so you can be coached into reaching orgasms in many ways.

Photo: http://homeguides.sfgate.com/DM-Resize/photos.demandstudios.com/getty/article/189/230/57443043.jpg?w=600&h=600&keep_ratio=1

Since we are little, girls are told and taught that there is something wrong with our genitalia. To begin, there is no mention about it. Our vulvas are a secret and unspoken “place” that is referred to as “down there”. Well, you know what else is “down there”, according to many? Hell! Yes, for many religions and religious people, hell is also down and under, just like our vulvas and vaginas. So no wonder our vulvas are demonized! 
 
Besides being depicted as to belonging in the same place as hell, our vulvas also need to be exorcised. How? By washing them, bleaching them, deodorizing them, covering them up with pads that trap any odor or fluid and confining them to eternal purgatory. It is time to change that!

 Our vulvas have a distinct smell that is part of what makes this body part unique. Our vulvas do not smell in any particular way. We LEARN how our vulvas smell. We are instructed that our vulvas have a foul or bad odor and we believe this throughout our lives. Therefore, we spend our lives ashamed of our vulvas and particularly the way our vulvas smell, which we try to get rid of at all times. Many women feel proud of the fact that they deodorize and “clean”their vulvas constantly throughout the day. Not only this behavior is  psychologically insane, it is not healthy for our sex organs. 
 
How to take care of your vulva

 1.  Do not use soap: Do not wash your inner vulva with soap or anything that you would not put in
your eyes. Wash the inside of your vulva with just water. That will keep it healthy.

 2. Wear cotton: Wear cotton underwear to allow it to “breathe”. 
 
3. Ditch the pantiliners: Do not wear pantiliners everyday. Reserve the sanitary pads for when you have
your period and for days of spotting. Otherwise, your fluids are not going to hurt your panties!

 4.  Sleep commando: At night, sleep without undies so your vulva can breathe freely. 
 
5.   Avoid tight clothes: Tight jeans and pants can irritate the delicate tissue of your vulva 
and also prevent it from “breathing”. Give it some room to wiggle!

 6.  No deodorizing: Please! Do not use any talc, powders, sprays, lotions, wipes or anything that
claims to “deodorize” your vulva. These products can damage your vulva and vagina, cause infections, irritation and long-term problems. Your vulva does not stink. Leave it alone!

7. She does not need a shower! Do not douche your vagina. The vagina is a self-cleaning organ and does not need your help. Douches can irritate and create infections as they change the pH and healthy bacterial flora necessary for a healthy vagina.

Take care of your vulva by being gentle with it, in thought and action. Ditch the myth that your vulva and vagina are dirty; a healthy vulva and vagina are all you need. Now, sit back and smell your vulva. Enjoy! 


Photo: www.freedigitalphotos.net

Your clitoris is a wonderful thing! Did you know that the clitoris is the only organ in the human body that has been designed only for sexual pleasure? The clitoris has about 8,000 nerve endings, in contrast with 4,000 nerve endings of the male penis. It has a prepuce (hood made of skin that covers it) and it has a glans (a head) and some call it the female penis. In essence, both penis and clitoris are the same, except that the clitoris does not share functions (like the penis that shares the function of urinating and  being the instrument for sex). The clitoris could be the most sensitive part of your body and it works in conjunction with other nerve endings to give you massive pleasure. The vast majority of women experience orgasm through the stimulation of the clitoris.


 

Exercise: find a comfortable place and a hand mirror. Focus on finding your clitoris. What do you see? Is it hidden or is it protrude? Can you stimulate it so it is aroused? See how it changes and engorges during arousal. Can you see how your whole vulva changes when you stimulate your clitoris? 
 
Your clitoris is there with the only purpose of giving you pleasure. You can access it anytime you want and use it alone, stimulate it with toys, with a partner, orally, digitally, or to use it in any way you want. It is ok to touch it, play with it and use it to your pleasure; that’s what it’s there for!

Photo: Graceful Beauty by Jim Young http://www.obsessionart.com/product.asp?currency=USD&cat_id=PHO&pf_id=JY_JYC028&jump=8

I am asked this question often: what is the most important sex organ? The answer is the human brain. Your brain controls all impulses, functions, sensations and processes of all organs in your body, including your sexual organs. The clitoris, for instance, although has been designed solely for our sexual pleasure, cannot function without the brain. If you feed yourself negative thoughts about sex, your clitoris will not be able to save you. If you carry a lot of shame and guilt about sex, all the stimulation to your genitalia in the world will not bring you to orgasm. So it is very important that you   feed your brain good sexual content and that way you will ensure your sexual empowerment.

Exercise: The first exercise I want you to do is: Feed yourself daily with positive thoughts about sex. Instead of feeding yourself shame and guilt, feed yourself messages about how important sex is in our lives. God made us sexual beings. Sex is the gateway to life. Sex one of the most pleasurable things you can experience. Sex is natural, healthy, fun, and sacred. 
        
The second exercise I want you to do is feed your brain good content about sex and human sexuality. Read book such as For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality by Lonnie Garfield Barbach, The New Latina’s Bible by Sandra Guzman and The Ripple Effect: How Better Sex Can Lead to a Better Life by Dr. Gail Saltz.  Get the facts from science, medicine and experts in human sexuality and human behavior. Get to know your body functions and understand your reproductive system and sexual organs. There is a purpose for our bodies having been designed the way they have. Seek higher knowledge and understanding of your body and you will be sexually empowered. And do not stop to seek this knowledge as it will lead you to sexual freedom.