Listening to and reading people’s complaints about their partners regarding their sex skills, I have started to ask myself if there are people who are just not equipped with sex skills and if that is the case, can they get better at sex? Just like some people are sportsy, artsy, financially savvy, good at math, have great voices, can dance, etc., it seems like some people are naturally born with sexual pizzazz and je ne sais quoi and can effortlessly turn someone inside out with their sex skills. For others, sex is an awkward venture, a chore, something that they might enjoy but that for some reason they are not good at performing it or does not come natural to them.

In my practice I have heard women complain of their men’s lack of sexual charm: men who are terrible at giving oral sex or don’t like doing it (but love receiving it!), who don’t know how to touch a vulva and definitely not good at stimulating a clitoris, squeeze boobs as if though women all women liked that, are bad kissers, climax too quickly or take too long to ejaculate, are mechanical at the act of sex and have no sex appeal at all, among many other complaints. Men also have their list of disappointments with women: that they don’t like to “give head”, that they don’t swallow, that they don’t like sex or always find an excuse not to have it. In secret, women dread their husbands’ touch and rather pretend they are asleep or fake a headache (or worse, fake an orgasm!) in order to avoid or shorten sex with their partners. Many women complain that their partners are just not good at it and they would like something more. When asked why they don’t tell their male partners they all claim that men’s egos are too fragile, they don’t accept criticism well and they don’t want to hurt their feelings. For men, the dissatisfaction causes them to avoid sex also or do it as a form of quick release after begging for it endlessly before their wives give in. In both cases, recurrence to “extracurricular activities” may be used to offset the frustration.

If you are among the ones without sex skills, know:

1.       Sex skills can be learned. Educate yourself!

2.       Don’t be too sensitive and learn to accept to be guided by your partner.

3.       Communicate with honesty and sincerity.

4.       Practice makes perfect.

5.       If you want your partner to be a great lover, you must be one too.

Certainly, knowing one’s body and open and honest communication are key to solve some of these issues. However, in spite of the best intentions, it seems as if though some people are just not good at sex. Not to say they cannot get better, but sex is not their forté. But with persistence, patience, using your words, and lots of trial and error you can become the best lover you can be.

Photo: www.freedigitalphotos.net

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Sex is really 99% imagination and creativity. The mere sexual act can be mechanical and get quite boring after a few times. Innovation is the key to a satisfying sex life that will last and keep lovers satisfied. Of course we all have things we like to have done onto us frequently or always during lovemaking and that all varies from person to person (like lots of kissing, nibbling of the ears and stimulation of erogenous zones) but even those things, when done over and over again, in the same order, in the same place, the same way can make lovemaking very predictable. And predictability kills “the mood”. In fact, predictability does not even allow for the mood to get started.

Many people find themselves in a sexual rut not realizing how they got there. Predictability and familiarity, routine, schedules, the demands of everyday life and always doing the same thing without variation are factors that got them in that rut. Therefore, to get out of the sexual rut imagination has to be allowed to flourish and roam free. However, we are humans and follow routines but expect different results-the results we envision and not the ones we get each time.

The problem is that many people have not developed the sexual imagination and creativity. When confronted with the idea of being creative they have no clue on how to turn the switch on to do different things, to create excitement, to view sex in a different way, to add spice to their love lives and to have sex be fresh and new each time. And many people live in fear that, if they display their imagination to their partner their partner will turn around and scold them and reprimand them for their audacity. That fear keeps the imagination locked in and sexual partners unhappy and unfulfilled.

How to turn this around?

1.       Change the sexual map: Do something unexpected, change the time to have sex at least every once in a while and change the setting in which sex is done. Add surprise to the occasion!

2.       Communicate: If you are afraid of telling your partner your sexual fantasies and desires, there is a compatibility issue that needs to be resolved. Seek help.

3.       Learn! Be willing to expand your sexual repertoire, improve your sex skills and become innovative by reading educational and erotic material, watching instructional videos and erotica, attending events such as sex lectures, orgasmic mediations, cuddle parties and tantra workshops, among many others; and visiting places that can provide you with learning opportunities such as couples retreats, dungeons, swingers clubs, fetish parties, etc. Even if you don’t go to participate you can observe and learn something new.

4.       Be open-minded: If you have limited notions of what is acceptable in sex, chances are your paradigm is going to cut your imagination and creativity short. Let go of the judgment and open up your mind to new horizons and experiences. Especially with your partner, have confidence and be free to explore, do and grow sexually.

5.       Rediscover yourself: Usually people masturbate the same way they have sex: doing it the same way every time. Instead, try new ways of touching yourself, new masturbation aids and touch yourself in places you usually don’t touch. You can be surprised by what you’ll discover.

The lack of imagination is one of the main problems that lead to sexual boredom, dissatisfaction and therefore having less sex than wanted. Turning the imagination and creativity switch on can lead to a more fulfilling sex life that all can enjoy. If you lack imagination, there are many sources of information for you to learn from. The only thing you need to be creative is to want to be. 

I recently received this email from a reader of my article "Are you sexually frustrated?":
 
"I am 23, and I've been in a relationship with a girl for almost 4 years now, we're both virgins. I love her and I intend to marry her. I feel the need to be physically intimate with her (which, but of course, is very natural), whereas she is not interested, even for a make out. (It's been almost 8 months when we last made out.) I feel really very frustrated. We talked it out, yes, and found out that we just have very different physical needs. She does not feel the need to have sex right now, however, she understands that I might have urges, and encourages me to do it with a prostitute. She tells me that she's cool about it. However, I hate the idea of paying for sex. As evil as I may sound, I have thought about doing it with a friend of mine, who has the hots for me (I am an attractive guy, and I know it.) We even made a date of it at her place last week, but I ended up cancelling because of all the guilt involved. I really love my girl, but I am tired of being sexually inactive. Please advise."
 
When sexual needs don’t match
 
Dear friend:

Thanks so much for reading my article and for writing. I can see why you are in such distress. Touching, kissing, hugging and physical demonstrations of love are not only necessary, especially between two people in love; it is something very natural for humans. Your sexual cravings are perfectly natural as well (the unhealthy thing would be not to have them). 
 
Regarding your girlfriend: Her attitude towards sex and intimacy now is reflective of what your relationship will be after you get married, unless she starts doing something now to change her attitudes and behavior towards intimacy and sex. In other words, expect a sexless marriage and a relationship without physical demonstrations of love once you get married if that is what you are experiencing now. It would be interesting to know if your girlfriend was she always like that, even at the beginning of the relationship. I can understand that, maybe for cultural and religious reasons, she would not want to have sex "right now". Does she envision that her sexual appetite will change once you get married? These are topics you need to thoroughly discuss before jumping into a long term commitment such as marriage. 
  
You, in the other hand, have a decision to make and basically have three options: 1) either you wait to have sex when you marry your girlfriend (you say you are "intend to", whatever that means) and pleasure yourself with masturbation while you wait; 2) wait to have sex with your girlfriend after you marry her but have sexual experiences outside your relationship while you wait (which I gather the mere thought makes you feel too guilty to act upon this option); 3) try to get your girlfriend to open up to the idea of having sex in the near future or at the very least, be intimate, which may or may not include sex but definitely includes touching, hugging, kissing, cuddling, caressing, holding hands, looking into each other's eyes, massaging, being romantic, etc. Regardless of your decision and the outcome, you need to have a more in depth conversation about this topic with her and keep that communication open and ongoing until you both meet your needs. Otherwise, the relationship is doomed and you will lead a life of continuous sexual dissatisfaction within the context of your relationship with her, which will not hold in the long term. 
  
I am concerned because your girlfriend is not even interested in basic intimacy, like kissing, which is a fundamental part of any sentimental relationship. She may be emotionally shut down to the idea of sex and intimacy due to past emotional or sexual trauma or the pressures of religion and culture. It is worth finding out what the causes of her aversion to sex and intimacy are so you are better equipped to deal with them and make decisions based on facts, not conjectures. 
  
Good luck!

If you are sexually frustrated, read: http://www.mamiverse.com/are-you-sexually-frustrated-10820/

Photo: www.photopin.com

Recently, I received a question from a reader: she can only reach an orgasm using a shower wand. Many women complain of having trouble reaching an orgasm. The vast majority of these women can reach an orgasm but not with a partner. The problem (as perceived by these women) is not that they cannot reach an orgasm through regular intercourse, which is true for the vast majority of women; the problem is that these women can only reach an orgasm in one way. Usually, the orgasm involves objects, such as toys, or a certain position. For these women, the inability to reach an orgasm in any other way and especially during intercourse or sexual play with a partner causes them frustration. Often times I am asked “how can I orgasm?” 
 
Many women become "efficient" in reaching an orgasm in a certain way, thus making it hard to reach it otherwise. The issue, believe it or not, is mostly mental. When the brain gets used to the response, it gets "set" on it. Therefore, next time you have sex, you "block" any other way of reaching orgasm. 
  

You can learn to reach orgasm in other ways but it will require that you de-program yourself from how you orgasm already to learn new ways of climaxing. 
 
Some advice:


1.   Relax: Stop concentrating on coming and enjoy the experience during sex. 
  
2.   Self-pleasure: Masturbateto explore and learn more about your body and pleasure zones. Instead of rushing through masturbation to reach orgasm, focus on finding out what else pleasures you. This will take time. Be patient.
 
 3.   Clear up your mind: Do not make sex about “coming… coming…coming… can't come… will not come… OMG-won't ever come!” Stay positive and say to yourself that you will be open to new things and the pleasure of sex.
 
4.   Be open-minded: Try many approaches, for instance, watching some porn or reading erotica before the act. Use your imagination and let your partner use his or hers. There are many toys and clitoral stimulators in the market to help you.
 
5.  Discover all the different types of orgasms: Different orgasms feel differently and many women  fail to recognize them because they only credit the clitoral orgasm as such. Women have the capability of coming in many ways. Try to ejaculate, for instance. 
  
6.   Warm up: Make sure you are very aroused during the act. If you have "orgasm anxiety", you are not going to be fully aroused during the act. So, again, relax and let your whole body be aroused, not just your clitoris.
 
7.   It’s not over until it’s over: Sex does not have to end when your partner comes. In fact, sex can be foreplay for orgasm. So if you want to reach one (or many) orgasms, continue to play – with yourself and/or assisted - until you are done. Don’t think you have to come before or at the same time your partner comes. And your partner should be able to be a willing and active participant in your orgasm even after he or she has climaxed.  
 
 
Remember that the most important sex organ is the brain. Do not get on its way! Of course, if orgasm continues to be a difficulty, you should get professional assistance from a sexologist so you can be coached into reaching orgasms in many ways.

Photo: http://homeguides.sfgate.com/DM-Resize/photos.demandstudios.com/getty/article/189/230/57443043.jpg?w=600&h=600&keep_ratio=1

Many times, men use porn as their “sex university” and then go on in life trying to emulate what they see in porn movies. Women also believe what they see in porn and often times end up dissatisfied when the experience of sex is not as the ones portrayed in porn movies. Do not believe everything you see in porn!

Porn can be a good outlet for arousal and to certainly learn new tricks to apply in the bedroom. However, it is important that all who watch porn realize that most porn is geared towards men and that many of the characters in porn are actors, actresses and athletes performing their part. For instance, 75% of women do not reach orgasm through intercourse. Furthermore, constant thrusting can hurt, irritate and dry the most moist vagina. I would dare to assert that the vast majority of women cannot perform oral sex on a penis for more than 5 consecutive minutes without hurting their jaw. Besides, many women may not enjoy their boobs squeezed to the point of turning them blue during intercourse or to be savagely pounded (and only pounded) for hours on end during lovemaking. 

Usually, porn depicts only some oral sex, in the case of heterosexual porn, usually women performing oral sex on a penis forever! And then the “pounding” begins until the guy ejaculates, usually on the woman’s
face.  Although there is nothing wrong with oral sex and coming on someone’s face (only if they allow it, of
course), that is not all that sex is! Sex should be about intimacy and using your creativity and imagination to reach new levels of pleasure with whom you choose to have that sexual experience. 
 
Therefore, do not use porn as your standard for sex. Rather, use it to complement your sexual activity and to get some ideas to apply in the real world. Remember, what you and your partner want in bed is more important than reenacting porn sexual acts.

Photo: Grasp by Stephen Perry www.obsessionart.com

Since we are little, girls are told and taught that there is something wrong with our genitalia. To begin, there is no mention about it. Our vulvas are a secret and unspoken “place” that is referred to as “down there”. Well, you know what else is “down there”, according to many? Hell! Yes, for many religions and religious people, hell is also down and under, just like our vulvas and vaginas. So no wonder our vulvas are demonized! 
 
Besides being depicted as to belonging in the same place as hell, our vulvas also need to be exorcised. How? By washing them, bleaching them, deodorizing them, covering them up with pads that trap any odor or fluid and confining them to eternal purgatory. It is time to change that!

 Our vulvas have a distinct smell that is part of what makes this body part unique. Our vulvas do not smell in any particular way. We LEARN how our vulvas smell. We are instructed that our vulvas have a foul or bad odor and we believe this throughout our lives. Therefore, we spend our lives ashamed of our vulvas and particularly the way our vulvas smell, which we try to get rid of at all times. Many women feel proud of the fact that they deodorize and “clean”their vulvas constantly throughout the day. Not only this behavior is  psychologically insane, it is not healthy for our sex organs. 
 
How to take care of your vulva

 1.  Do not use soap: Do not wash your inner vulva with soap or anything that you would not put in
your eyes. Wash the inside of your vulva with just water. That will keep it healthy.

 2. Wear cotton: Wear cotton underwear to allow it to “breathe”. 
 
3. Ditch the pantiliners: Do not wear pantiliners everyday. Reserve the sanitary pads for when you have
your period and for days of spotting. Otherwise, your fluids are not going to hurt your panties!

 4.  Sleep commando: At night, sleep without undies so your vulva can breathe freely. 
 
5.   Avoid tight clothes: Tight jeans and pants can irritate the delicate tissue of your vulva 
and also prevent it from “breathing”. Give it some room to wiggle!

 6.  No deodorizing: Please! Do not use any talc, powders, sprays, lotions, wipes or anything that
claims to “deodorize” your vulva. These products can damage your vulva and vagina, cause infections, irritation and long-term problems. Your vulva does not stink. Leave it alone!

7. She does not need a shower! Do not douche your vagina. The vagina is a self-cleaning organ and does not need your help. Douches can irritate and create infections as they change the pH and healthy bacterial flora necessary for a healthy vagina.

Take care of your vulva by being gentle with it, in thought and action. Ditch the myth that your vulva and vagina are dirty; a healthy vulva and vagina are all you need. Now, sit back and smell your vulva. Enjoy! 


Photo: www.freedigitalphotos.net

Sexual pleasure is a gift. We can enjoy this gift by ourselves or by sharing it in a reciprocal way. As many women complain that they do not have satisfactory sexual relations, I wonder if you know exactly what pleasures you and how to guide your lover to pleasure you the way you want and need to be pleasured. In a culture in which sexual pleasure has demonized, just like all things sexual, there is a phobia to experience pleasure. Those who experience it often times live in shame and experience loads of guilt. Those who openly embrace, live and accept their pleasure are often signaled out and condemned. But pleasure is nothing to be ashamed of. 
 
An important way to find your pleasure is to learn your body. And a very pleasurable, helpful and essential way to find your pleasure is through masturbation. So indulge and give yourself permission to touch yourself in different ways, in different positions, applying different levels of pressure, in different parts of your body. 

 
Exercise: Find a private and quiet place and a comfortable position. Relax by breathing and visualizing your glorious self in total bliss. Make sure the room is the right temperature, the right lighting and that you will enjoy total privacy. Slowly, get rid of your clothes and pay attention to how you feel when you do. This exercise is about exploration and discovery. Do it slowly, in peace and with an open mind. If you feel shame or guilt during this experience, replace those thoughts with the affirmation “I deserve sexual pleasure”, and continue. If you need to pause, it is OK. Whatever you feel, it is OK. If you feel that touching your lips slightly feels good, enjoy it! If touching a part of your body makes you feel uneasy, move on to the next part. Touch all parts of your body before reaching your genitals. Caress yourself with love, compassion, lust and openness.  Once you are aroused, do more of what feels pleasurable and give in to the wonderful sensations you are experiencing. Breathe, moan, growl, laugh, scream…it is OK. Abandon yourself in the waves of joy of your own pleasure and own it. Do this often and never cease to try to find new ways of pleasuring yourself. Use your hands at first so you get to know your body without any assistance until you master your pleasure. 
 
Your body is beautiful and it is a wonderful gift. When you know your pleasure you can live it and share it. Your sexual pleasure is a gift and it’s also your right!

Photo: In her own time, Jim Young, www.obsessionart.com

Your clitoris is a wonderful thing! Did you know that the clitoris is the only organ in the human body that has been designed only for sexual pleasure? The clitoris has about 8,000 nerve endings, in contrast with 4,000 nerve endings of the male penis. It has a prepuce (hood made of skin that covers it) and it has a glans (a head) and some call it the female penis. In essence, both penis and clitoris are the same, except that the clitoris does not share functions (like the penis that shares the function of urinating and  being the instrument for sex). The clitoris could be the most sensitive part of your body and it works in conjunction with other nerve endings to give you massive pleasure. The vast majority of women experience orgasm through the stimulation of the clitoris.


 

Exercise: find a comfortable place and a hand mirror. Focus on finding your clitoris. What do you see? Is it hidden or is it protrude? Can you stimulate it so it is aroused? See how it changes and engorges during arousal. Can you see how your whole vulva changes when you stimulate your clitoris? 
 
Your clitoris is there with the only purpose of giving you pleasure. You can access it anytime you want and use it alone, stimulate it with toys, with a partner, orally, digitally, or to use it in any way you want. It is ok to touch it, play with it and use it to your pleasure; that’s what it’s there for!

Photo: Graceful Beauty by Jim Young http://www.obsessionart.com/product.asp?currency=USD&cat_id=PHO&pf_id=JY_JYC028&jump=8

I am asked this question often: what is the most important sex organ? The answer is the human brain. Your brain controls all impulses, functions, sensations and processes of all organs in your body, including your sexual organs. The clitoris, for instance, although has been designed solely for our sexual pleasure, cannot function without the brain. If you feed yourself negative thoughts about sex, your clitoris will not be able to save you. If you carry a lot of shame and guilt about sex, all the stimulation to your genitalia in the world will not bring you to orgasm. So it is very important that you   feed your brain good sexual content and that way you will ensure your sexual empowerment.

Exercise: The first exercise I want you to do is: Feed yourself daily with positive thoughts about sex. Instead of feeding yourself shame and guilt, feed yourself messages about how important sex is in our lives. God made us sexual beings. Sex is the gateway to life. Sex one of the most pleasurable things you can experience. Sex is natural, healthy, fun, and sacred. 
        
The second exercise I want you to do is feed your brain good content about sex and human sexuality. Read book such as For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality by Lonnie Garfield Barbach, The New Latina’s Bible by Sandra Guzman and The Ripple Effect: How Better Sex Can Lead to a Better Life by Dr. Gail Saltz.  Get the facts from science, medicine and experts in human sexuality and human behavior. Get to know your body functions and understand your reproductive system and sexual organs. There is a purpose for our bodies having been designed the way they have. Seek higher knowledge and understanding of your body and you will be sexually empowered. And do not stop to seek this knowledge as it will lead you to sexual freedom.